[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
I am going to get so drunk tonight.
Like, way more than usual.
[helicopter whirring, missiles whistling]
YEAH!
[helicopter whirring, missiles whistling]
IT'S THE SURFACE!
[explosion, machine gun fire]
PARTY! P--
[machine gun fire]
Dammit! It's the Fun Police!
I'M ON YOUR SIDE, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!
HOW MANY OF YOU DO I HAVE TO
KILL BEFORE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
YOU'RE LIKE A BUNCH OF LEMMINGS
WITH MACHINE GUNS!
[explosions]
DO I LOOK LIKE AN ALIEN?!
DO I HAVE TENTACLES COMING OUT OF ME?!
[explosions]
WHAT THE FUCK?!
[explosions]
WHY ARE WE BOMBING?!
WHY ARE THE SOLDIERS
BOMBING EACH OTHER?!
EVERYONE IS CRAZY EXCEPT ME!
WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO KILL ME?!
SHOOTING AT PEOPLE ISN'T VERY NICE!
OR AT LEAST, STAND STILL!
[missiles whistling, explosions]
[missiles whistling]
Oh God, more bombs, more bombs, more bombs...
[explosions]
QUIT RAINING ON MY PARADE!
[explosions]
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
THIS IS WHY WE HAVE A SECURITY DEPARTMENT!
TO PREVENT THINGS LIKE THIS FROM HAPPENING!
[missiles whistling]
SOMEBODY'S NOT DOING THEIR JOB!
[explosions]
THIS IS THE WORST RESCUE OPERATION IN HISTORY!
I'M REPORTING ALL OF YOU!
I'LL COME BACK AND GET YOUR
NAMES ONCE THE BOMBING'S OVER!
[missiles whistling, explosions]
Climbfastclimbfastclimbfastclimbfast...
[missiles whistling, explosions]
Okay, anyone following me this time?
God, I'm back underground again!
I COULD'VE BEEN OUT OF HERE!
The fucking Army or
whatever is trying to kill me,
and they're bombing the surface
for no God damned reason!
They don't even care if they hit
their own troops!
I-I just don't understand
anything anymore.
[missiles whistling, explosions]
I just want to get out of here
and let everybody else go crazy
with each other on their own time.
What's this? "Vent Access"?
Yeah, I don't know if I wanna--
Well, that's nice. Now I have options.
I can have death-from-above this way
or death-from-above the other way.
And there's another bug...
Let's see... there he is!
Dammit, this isn't working.
See, this is why I needed that shotgun.
It has good spread and stopping power.
It's practically designed
to kill roaches.
Wow, what's the point of having
an underground bunker
if we can just blow a hole in the top?
Oh, they're using steel grates here.
Not those cheap-ass...
aluminum ones I've been running into.
Dammit, I don't even want to
think about the irony of this.
And how I'm trying to go back--
How I'm trying to go back underground even
though all I want is to get out of here.
Well, actually, I want a lot of
things, but number one on the list
But, now that we're blowing up the surface
of the Earth, that changes my priorities.
This must've been what
H.G. Wells was talking about.
Maybe half of humanity will go
underground and start a new society--
--and enslave the surface-dwellers.
Yeah. I'm a first-generation Morlock.
I don't think I'll start cannibalizing
people right away, though.
I'll at least wait until the
vending machines run out.
Man, somebody's laughing at me.
Perfectly good shotgun ammo
and I can't use it.
I guess I can't complain. I have other
guns, but can you really have too many?
That's that cargo hook I've swung on.
Well, I'm just going to keep
moving forward.
I'm not ready to believe this entire
facility is a giant fucking Möbius strip.
Maybe I should become a
tour guide after this.
I'm good at acting like I know
where the hell I'm going.
[headcrab squeals, bites]
RAGH! STOP THAT!
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!
Where the hell did you
come from, anyway?
This must be the right way as
opposed to my way.
Y'know, the thing that
bugs me about today
is that I seem to be making all
the right decisions
but my situation has been
getting really dangerous.
HECU: I killed twelve dumbass scientists
and not one of them fought back. This sucks.
Yeah, I guess that's what happens when
you shoot everyone on a rescue operation.
But, not to worry, I'm a scientist
and I'm armed like a secessionist.
[machine gun fire]
AGH! OKAY, FINE!
[machine gun fire]
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
[machine gun fire]
YOU GUYS AREN'T INTO POETRY!
I guess I can't completely blame you.
That wasn't a perfect rhyme;
the syllable count was off.
Twelve... fifteen counts of self-defense
with an automatic weapon?
I'm losing count and I don't think the
cops are going to buy that anymore.
I'd better just keep quiet
about this when I get out.
I'll have to fight my urges to
brag about it when I get a new job.
I don't know. This place starts
looking the same after a while.
It's just some never-ending
fantasy warehouse.
All right, back in this snake hole.
This must've been what it was like
for the Viet Cong, underground all the time,
crawling around in cramped tunnels,
American soldiers shooting at you,
I can't believe it's evening already.
Is it Daylight Savings Time?
No, wait, that wouldn't affect the sky.
I hate Daylight Savings Time.
Daylight Savings Time is just another
sanction employed by The Man
The Founding Fathers didn't have
Daylight Savings Time
and there's a reason for that.
All right, this looks like a cafeteria,
except we're serving up
batteries and ammo.
I still don't know where I am.
Never thought I'd say this but I
think I have enough bullets for now.
And it seems we have an airtight freezer
with no way to open it from the other side.
Not to say that anything has
been encouraging about this day.
Okay, fuck you too, room.
Back to my life as a mole.
You know, this might suck.
If they ever polygraphed me at another
job and ask if I'm a mole at the company,
I'll know what they mean,
but at the same time,
I know I'm going to hesitate or
panic or something
because I'll be thinking back to right
now where I'm spending my whole day
crawling underground in the dark
and it'll trip up the polygraph.
See, there's another vent.
This isn't going to end.
Y'know, that's not to say that I
wouldn't be the other kind of mole, too,
but nobody's made me any offers.
I would've sold out Black Mesa a long
time ago if it meant I could retire early.
We have BIG trade secrets.
SCIENTIST: I never suspected such things could be.
Oh...
It's those two zombies again!
I'm going around in circles!
Those two have gotten more
done just standing there
than I have running all over this
facility leaving a trail of bodies.
SCIENTIST: I predicted all of
this, you know. All of it.
I'm just... gonna get out of here.
I wonder what Freud
would've said about me
about crawling in and out of all
these ventilation shafts.
Freud was kind of a nutbar, but
you have to give him some props.
He had the perfect angle.
He made all these theories you
couldn't disprove.
But, yeah, he could say
anything he wanted
then claim you repressed the
memories of what he was talking about.
It's an unbeatable strategy.
Yeah, I wish I had a "theory" like that.
You can't get away with that
kind of crap in physics.
You have to have serious
math to back it up.
Well, except for the string
theory crowd.
Those guys are a bunch of cultists.
I think Steve and Richard
sacrificed goats.
That's why they never let me
come to their cookouts.
They've called the cops on me before.
It's too bad I didn't know about
all these ventilation shafts earlier.
I could've used them to
crawl around and
scare the hell out of people in
their offices.
Y'know, just whisper stuff
when it's dark and quiet.
Then I can spread some rumor about how
some guy got killed there and it's haunted
and maybe take the office for myself.
Guess I'll just die here.